


oh god i wanna feel again

by kashxy



Category: Spider-Man: Homecoming
Genre: Character Death, M/M, Mourning, grievance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-19
Updated: 2019-12-19
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:27:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21759073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kashxy/pseuds/kashxy
Summary: time’s tearing up memories as quickly as it paints new ones.i can’t see your face anymore, but i can feel the waves between my ribs.
Relationships: Peter Parker/Harley Keener
Comments: 1
Kudos: 15





	oh god i wanna feel again

_it’s been seventeen months since you left._

_i’m not sure what’s happened since you’ve been gone. i’ve kind of simmered through the weeks, always awake but never there, too far away in a haze of mourning that nothing ever jumpstarts me anymore. i don’t think i can remember the last time i ate, but i remember your smile._

_i don’t think i ever took into consideration how deep a broken heart sinks. it rattles in my chest, heaving like a broken harp when i inhale, aching like a bullet wound when i exhale. it sinks lower into my stomach until i can’t breathe and just rests there, residing like a parasite in a place it’s killing me to be._

_sometimes i get so tired i can’t feel my edges anymore. it’s like forgetting you exist, like you’re melting into a pot of candle wax, but not in a good way. sometimes i get so tired i’m ready to see you again. i can’t handle being away from you._

_it’s been okay, too, i suppose. it’s been calm and quiet and whole but it’s never been good. it’s ached, but it’s been dull, the kind of ache that only hurts because you know it should._

_the apartment feels twice as big as it did before, in a way that makes the walls feel larger and more consuming, towering over with bared teeth and baseball bats. it’s suffocating, and nothing will change it._

_i’ve tried a lot to forget the aches you left in this apartment, in the bed, in my body. i’ve swallowed liquor until i can’t keep the vomit in my stomach any longer. i’ve carved your name into my skin until it’s engraved into my flesh and my bones. i’ve cried for you until my tears ran dry, and nothing’s worked._

_i can’t remember your face, but i can remember the waves between my ribs._

_i can remember the sand beneath my toes, the rain upon my cheeks, the wind echoing through my lungs. i can remember puppy fur and warm showers and spiced lattes and orange trees. i can remember things you used to love, but i can’t remember why i should love them too._

_i love tears and vomit, blood and spit, the kind of love that tears you apart from the inside without a hint of kindness. i love crying alone in bed at night until i throw up, i love waking in the morning to a coffee cup that’s still empty, i love lattes tasting like sour milk in my throat._

_there’s nothing left for me to love here, not now that you’re gone._

_in other news, there’s this family that moved in downstairs about three months after you left. they’ve got a kid, about seven, and she runs up and down the stairs like a ghost’s chasing her. i hope it’s you._

_some days i watch her from the doorway and help her pretend the family she’s playing with is us. they’ve got three kids and a dog and a garden stretching across the landing and food that’s always cooked perfectly and bills that are always paid for and they never ever die._

_most days i hate it. i hate that she can still pretend that people get what they want just because they’re in love. i hate that her parents are wealthy and loving and picture perfect. i hate waking up in the morning and i hate breathing and i hate living while you’re dead because it was never supposed to fucking work like this._

_it doesn’t feel real. there’s nothing in this world that feels real anymore. the lights are too artificial and the sky looks like a cartoon, food is plastic and breathing isn’t a necessity. nothing’s the same anymore and i miss you. i’m_ _not sure when this will stop._

_i’m not sure i want it to stop, because feeling again means forgetting you and i never want to forget you for as long as i live._

_it must be some kind of sick joke, because i can’t bear to look at our pictures anymore and your face is foreign in my mind. there’s this little hole in my memory that blocks out your face, but remembers every detail of your body like i’m looking straight at it._

_it remembers your body, in the same way it remembers your coffee order. it remembers the way your fingers danced upon my skin like it remembers the time on the clock when we met. it remembers the way your lips tasted like cherries the way it remembers the ice cream store you insisted on admiring every time we passed third street._

_sometimes i remember so much of you that my head spins. there’s too many memories, all so vibrant, spiking into my head like it’ll never leave me alone. i’m not sure i want it too, but it doesn’t cease the pain._

_i love you so much i might die from it. there’s too much wholeness, and it’s too gentle, too kind. i miss you more than i’ve ever missed anything else, and i love you more than i’ve ever loved anyone else. you’re everything to me._

_i’m not complete now that you’re not here. it’s like there’s bits of me missing, not just one whole piece. pieces break from my personality, chipping away at my mind and body until all i’m left with is a shattered soul of fragmented pieces._

_i can’t survive like this. please come home._

_please._

**Author's Note:**

> vent work <3


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